Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am an avid collector of quotes. Whenever I stumble upon one that resonates or challenges me in some way, I add it to my Quote book that I keep near my computer at all times. Today I came across one that spoke to me on multiple levels. Not only could I recognize what I most need from others at times, but I could also see that I have not been very good about granting it in return.
*****************************************************************************************************************
'Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art
of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow
people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare
to pick up the pieces when it's all over.' ~Octavia Butler
*****************************************************************************************************************
Mastering the art of timing....
After reading this, I recalled occasions in the past where I was faced with the unsolicited advice of others and their need to 'fix' what was wrong. I felt trapped by what they were expecting of me when I did not yet feel strong enough or at the right place to proceed or simply didn't feel it was the best solution for me or my circumstances. What I needed most was their presence accompanied by their 'silence' in the form of a listening and caring ear. A person that was more concerned about what I was thinking and feeling as opposed to trying to 'fix' something in my life that seemed in obvious need of repair by the other meant far more to me than any words of advice they could give at the time.
This was especially true following the death of my husband. There are simply some things in life that cannot be 'fixed' by words alone or according to the timing and agenda of others. Sometimes there is the need to sit with the feelings that arise and having someone there willing enough to be a vessel to receive can be all that is needed to feel accepted, loved, understood...heard. Fortunately, I had a good friend that knew how to do this well and she was a breath of fresh air during a time when I was facing so much loss and change in my life.
Yet, there is another facet to all of this. It is easy to recognize where we perceive others to have failed in giving us what we need. Although I may be aware of what I need from others and what works best for me, I still have yet to learn what works best for others. This quote today made me realize that I don't always respect the timing of others. I'm not always sensitive to the needs of others or patient enough to find out what those needs are. Sometimes I have a tendency to offer words in my attempts to fix the relationship instead of being sensitive to the timing and need for silence or even space of the other. My need to be understood and heard can sometimes overshadow my ability to recognize another persons own need in the moment.
Achieving more balance in this area will vary from person to person, but can be learned if we focus on improving our communication skills, developing more patience with others and ourselves in communicating our needs, and increasing our sensitivity and discernment by listening and reading body language. Sometimes people are afraid to say what they really feel, think, or need because of past experiences with others or in the current relationship. Trust takes time to grow and establish. It is a fragile thing that can be easily lost and take even longer to repair once broken. Sometimes people are afraid to show who they really are because when they tried to in the past, they were shamed. So they go back into hiding but add another layer to their protective shell in order to not be hurt again.
It takes a whole lotta love and patience to tend to the needs we may find in our world. As others have shown me by example how to do this when I have been in need, I hope to be able to learn how to effectively extend it to others.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
1. What came up for you upon reading today's quote?
2. What did your memories reveal to you about your own needs when you are going through a difficult time or hurting?
3. In what ways do you feel you could improve when communicating with others in their time of need?
4. Is there anything or anyone you need to let go of at this time? Would it be more helpful to the other if you step back and grant them space for awhile?
